That sweet, rich, aromatic bold drink we enjoy around the Holidays holds a special place in my heart. There is something real comforting about ingesting hundreds of sugar and cream calories covered in cheap rum that makes you feel warm inside.

Take away the alcohol and you still have a beverage that will make your anemic grandma come back to life. In an attempt to recreate my childhood eggnog memories whilst not adding too much to the calorie, booze and dairy intake of the season, I bought an abomination called “Holiday Nog” at Whole Foods (made by Califia Farms).

This deviation is the closest thing to donkey cum that can pass for eggnog. None of the sweetness or creaminess, no spice (like your life) or flavorful hits of cinnamon and nutmeg, just an insipid white flat liquid that beats piss just marginally. In fact, depending on the kidney quality, I would rather take a spoon full of urine than to drink another glass of that evil solution.

The 50-calorie-per-serving “drink” is everything a person should not be: pretentious, self-aggrandizing, but without any substance whatsoever. Bright packaging, full description of “healthy” features but pure sadness inside. I mean, my God, at least put some flavor in the thing to hide the fact that you are getting away with selling practically regular almond milk in a fancy bottle. The spices were barely detectable and the color and smell were dull, to say the least. To say the most, if Jesus knew people celebrate his birth drinking this failed experiment, he might wish he had never been born.

Calories only matter if what you are consuming is actually desirable. I would rather the equivalent in calories of real eggnog (1/4 cup) than a full serving of this abomination.

A little bit of carrageenan  never killed anyone (ok, maybe it has), but the anger after sipping a glass of what you think is a sweet elixir to find you are drinking ant vomit  can cause enough distress to impact your life expectancy (negatively, of course).

To the makers of this product, this is nothing personal, but I felt compelled to stop others looking for “healthy” bad foods from making the same mistake I made by purchasing this sin of the Gods.

The lesson here is that some foods are simply unhealthy and there is simply nothing you can do about it without completely destroying their gastronomic value. In moderation, you can eat and drink anything you want, do yourself a favor and be a responsible adult that can be trusted around sugar (not me just yet) and avoid polluting the world with the groans of horror after paying $3.99 for straight after birth juice.

Happy Holidays!